The Valentine’s Day Budget appears to make parenthood a tad more attractive. Yet, truth be told, I don’t think the Baby Bonus was something we even considered when we decided we wanted to try for a baby. Now that we have Melody, we’re not incentivised to have another child if offered just a few thousand dollars more. *AHEM* What we now think is most important is: the age of the parents, and the age of the grandparents! My mom said she’ll have the energy to help care for Melody full-time if she’s 50 (like 20 years ago)… so that means I should have had this baby at age 16. 
Early early never say?
We were gung-ho enough to skip hiring a helper, pooh-poohed the notion of engaging a confinement nanny (‘cos where got confinement? Few days after discharge from hospital, we had to take Melody to the polyclinic for a checkup!), and decided that there’s two of us and just one baby – shouldn’t be too difficult, right? WRONG! *Also, we are SO LUCKY we did not accidentally have twins or triplets… so so lucky!*
So… forget about the Baby Bonus and whatever. There’ll never be enough maternity / paternity / childcare leave. Either have trusted and reliable grandparents or helper to care for the baby OR someone quits to become a Stay-At-Home-Mom or Dad.
Here are 8 things to consider before you jump into bed or whatever small space to have sex as JoTeo says…
~
#1 Caregivers – The Golden Ratio of 3 Adults : 1 Baby!
You’ll need a strong support system of people who are willing AND able to help care for your newborn, especially if you are first-time parents. Hubz and I came to agree that there should be three adults caring for one baby if we wish to ensure no one really suffers from caregiving burnout.
SO… if you have a maid (sorry, helper!) then that’s great! At least husband and wife can have a meal together while the helper cares for the likely-crying baby. And if you think you can “outsource” the most difficult bits of caring for a newborn to the helper, think again. The couple should be the ones doing the “night shift” so the helper can get sufficient sleep in order to do the household chores the next day and also not ill-treat/abuse the baby who’s depriving her of sleep.
In the second month of Melody’s life, I’d gone to my parents’ home, burst into tears, and told my mother I couldn’t take it anymore – I was only half-joking when I said I’d considered giving my baby up for adoption. It was an insane combination of factors including extreme sleep deprivation (only 1 to 1.5hrs of solid continuous rest per day/night), an incredibly steep learning curve for us first-time parents, a tough recovery from a c-section, and also perhaps, changes in my hubby contributed too – from being a most easygoing person, he started becoming cranky and disagreeable from the lack of sleep.
Melody was suffering from colic/reflux/I-don’t-know-what so she’d be tossing and turning at night, groaning and grunting, often wailing and inconsolable. Best part: Doc says with a wide smile that “Oh! It’ll get worse before it gets better!” (And I’m like OMG just kill me now)
But, yes, it’s true, it’ll get HORRIBLY worse before things get so much better. At some point, I felt like I’d been captured and tortured by terrorists. <- Actually just one baby. (If you suay suay/heng heng kenna twins or triplets…erm, good luck to you!)
I don’t know what possessed us into thinking we (husband+wife) could do this ourselves, without helper or confinement nanny. He’s hopelessly optimistic and I think that rubbed off on me after a while. We’d thought our baby would, well, sleep like a baby. But real babies don’t sleep well OK?! Who came up with that phrase? If your baby sleeps like your husband does when you are pregnant then yes, your baby is really easy to care for. 
But sleepless nights are a reality when you have a baby, and there is no ‘sleep bank’ – even if you sleep 12 hours a day during those 9 or 10 months of pregnancy, there is no ‘sleep deposit’ to draw from after your baby’s born as the sleep bank doesn’t exist!
So one person’s going to be responsible for taking the night shift… DECIDE NOW before making a baby… who’s it gonna be? 
During the 3 months postpartum, i.e. the fourth trimester, after A WHOLE LOT of trial and error, we settled into a somewhat suitable routine: I’d go to bed at 6pm/7pm/8pm and get up around 6 to 7 hours later (between 1am and 3am) and he’ll go to bed and sleep till he wakes up naturally, sans alarm clock, usually around 8am to 9am. And OMG it’s tough even though I’ve supposedly gotten at least 6 hours of rest. Being awake when everyone else is asleep is definitely not something I’m used to? And when baby refuses to sleep… and threatens to wake the whole neighbourhood with her wailing? O.M.G!
Now, things are a lot better and Melody would drift off to lalaland around 7pm, then get up about 4 hours and 6 hours later for her feeds (which my darling will handle). There’s no more tossing and turning and incessant crying! We’ve also become more adept at prepping her feed hence it’s so much easier now. I’ll assist with the diaper change and getting her milk bottle ready… and he’ll feed her and put her to bed. I’ll ‘officially’ wake up around 5am / 6am and he sleeps till 8-ish.
Before we had Melody, I would never set an alarm unless we had a flight to catch. After she was born, I had to set an alarm every night so I would wake up at an ungodly hour (1am / 2am OMG) and that was a real pain. Parenthood truly involves many sacrifices. So make sure you’re willing to pay the price before getting started. I can assure you there’ll be plenty of regrets… at some point.
#2: Sleep Training for Adults!
I hope your job doesn’t involve driving or operating heavy machinery because the sleep deprivation will hit you hard and I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s an accident at work. Or… even on the way to work!
In the first few weeks, it got so bad for us that we began hallucinating. I kept hearing my baby’s cries even though she was NOT crying at all. It’s like Christmas carols, CNY songs or that Don Don Donki tune that keeps playing in your head after you spend a couple of hours at the mall. Totally could not stop that crying that was playing on loop.
My darling even said he thought he “saw” our baby walk out from the bedroom into the living room where he was seated!
So… before you make a baby, how about restricting your sleep hours for about 3 months, and see how you feel about it? You can do this progressively – shave off an hour every week or so till you sleep only around 3 or 4 hours every night, and see if you start snapping at your partner, for instance.
#3: Gender of baby
Gender disappointment is real, folks! I’m thankful I did not experience this since I’ve only ever wanted a daughter and Melody’s a dream come true. But for many other couples, it seems the husbands prefer having sons while the wives want girls (#twinning). A friend actually shared with me that when she was pregnant, she’d asked her now-husband if she should get an abortion since he wanted a son and didn’t seem happy it’ll be a baby girl instead and should she also call off their shotgun wedding? Thankfully, there was a happy ending for them. And baby girls are so cute OMG.
SO… if your husband wants a boy (or perhaps your FIL wants a grandson), are you prepared to keep having children till you hit that jackpot of a male heir? There’s this lady I spotted on IG who has 5 daughters already and she’s still keeping at it. The family lives in a bungalow, they drive a Bentley, business is doing really well, yadda yadda BUT it appears that a son’s missing from their lives. I don’t know how many daughters she’ll end up having in total before getting the boy they so desire but erm… they obviously can afford to have so many children so… JIAYOU AH!
Actually, it would be wise to discuss such things even before marriage – Do you want children? How many? Their gender? What do your parents think about us having no children / stopping at one / only having a girl? [If the answer is not what you can live with, then consider dropping the person like a hot potato, maybe?]
I’m thankful he wants a daughter as much as I do. Also, I don’t care what anyone else wants.
#4: Your Blood Group vs Your Spouse’s
Another thing I didn’t know. 
Because of the incompatibility of our blood groups, Melody came to be at higher risk of jaundice. And yes, that was evident at her birth. It was around 170-ish? By our first polyclinic visit, it was 101 or so. By the second visit, it was 30-plus. HENG AH! I know of some other babies who had to stay in the hospital or continue the treatment at home. Some parents even bring their babies out in the morning to “sun” them. We did not have to do any of that with Melody. Just had to ensure she was well-fed, and peeped and pooped often.
#5: HEALTH OF BABY
A business associate shared with us recently that he was actually a father of “four” though we know him to have only two daughters. One pregnancy ended in a stillbirth while the other was terminated because Down Syndrome was detected. He wasn’t even in the OT (“scared of blood”) to say his goodbyes – his wife faced it all herself.
So… it might be wise to take some time to ask yourself and your spouse what would happen if your baby/child has a disability. Would either of you consider abortion? Would one party bail out if caring for the child turns out to be too overwhelming?
#6: Naming the baby
Well, this one caught me by surprise. It had never crossed my mind that I would not be allowed to name my daughter using a certain Chinese character that appears in her father’s name. Apparently, it’s “reserved” for family members in her father’s generation. (Got such thing one ah?!) I was flabbergasted when I found out – too late, pregnant already. And you know how it is when you’re told that you can have anything except that one thing (macam forbidden fruit), and suddenly that one thing is all you want?
So folks… if you’re gonna argue over your unborn child’s name, argue about it first before making the baby. Otherwise, if you’re already pregnant… it’s too late. Hahaha! Thankfully, we managed to settle on an uneasy compromise without getting either set of grandparents involved – more people, more opinions, more name choices OMG.
And if you were to ask me… I believe the mother should have the final say when it comes to naming the child. ‘Cos… let’s be fair. The child will take his/her father’s family name/surname. So shouldn’t the mother be allowed to decide on first names? Hello? Who endured more in order to bring this baby into the world?
#7: Division of labor
Hmm… I think we settled into these roles quite naturally. I’d be the one buying all the stuff Melody needs – from stroller, clothes and swaddles to milk bottles and pacifiers. He’d chauffeur us to all our medical appointments. I’d wash everything she uses while he feeds her and also takes charge of the dreadful Middle-Of-The-Night feeds.
I’m thankful he adores our daughter and she’s so in love with papa. That means during mealtimes which coincide with her feeding time, he’ll feed her, while I get to eat before he does. I do sometimes feed him lah. So I’ll spoon food into his mouth while he carries Melody and holds the milk bottle to her mouth. Haha!
#8: Finances / Work / Quitting
I’m sure it’s a lot tougher for employees. As self-employed individuals, we have a lot more flexibility when it comes to childcare. We’ve been going to the Punggol Polyclinic very often as babies need to have SO many jabs and checkups. Recently Melody got 2 jabs (one on each thigh) and a rotavirus vaccine (delivered orally) and she developed a fever that same night and it lasted the whole of the next day too. Very scary for first-time parents. As employees, we’d definitely have had to take leave from work.
I do think that if I have a full-time job now, I’d quit to care for Melody. There’s incredible pressure to ensure she gets a good head start at least with her education. Since experts say that the first 3 years of a child’s life are so crucial, I can’t ‘outsource’ the necessary work to a helper or Melody’s aging grandparents.
So far, doctors are saying she’s doing really well. We have maintained her weight in the 90th to 97th percentile. Hehe. As for height, she has gone up in terms of the percentile ranking too. I just hope she’s not among the shortest in class in future, as she’s a year-end baby. In any case, if any kiddo makes fun of her height, I’ll give her full permission to sit on them. Make good use of her considerable weight! HAHAHA!
Jokes aside, for those considering having children, take a good hard look at your finances and make sure you can afford having one person quit his/her job, hiring a helper, paying for the medical expenses if *touch wood* the child’s not entirely healthy, etc.
~
There are probably a lot more than 8 things to consider before making a baby, but I guess this is a start. I wish someone had told me just how freaking tiring caring for a colicky newborn is. If you have insomnia, you’ll get cured right away.
And in case someone from the G reads this… the BABY BONUS IS VERY IMPORTANT, OK?! And I used the CDA monies to pay for Melody’s hospital and polyclinic visits. She had to return to KKH for ultrasound scans on her hip (extra precautions for breech babies) and thankfully everything was fine. And the most recent polyclinic visit would have cost nearly $400 without subsidies and CDA monies. (@_@)
And oh… if you’re wondering how you can save some money on diapers, milk bottles and the like, read my blogpost about Where To Get Pregnancy / Baby Freebies and Samples in Singapore You’re welcome!
Rest of my Pregnancy + Parenting blogposts HERE.